"Just hear those sleigh bells ringing and jing ting tingaling too"

*clicks fingers* Ahh hello, dear audience. You caught me by surprise

there. What? NO, MADAM!! I'm not trying to make new holes in my cat! Nor

am I being f**ked by Marlon Brando! What the hell is Last Tango In

Paris, anyway? Come here, dear minion. Would you be so kind as to man

our anti-tank rifle? If she speaks out of line again, show her how Birds

REALLY make their delicious custard.



And while she's distracted

with the factory tour, take the shot! Tonight we have one of the

Freak'd boy's heads compressing into a singularity with the power of

earth (no, not the kid from Captain Planet), a Christmas tree being

wished to life and given a passport, a monistary wine that will give you

hints of summer plus a thirty year conviction and using the universe

for it's intended purpose. Also, the most horrible crime to commit to

your fellow man,  irony squared, a fleshy superhero and Sean Bean's wet

dream.



Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly

offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return

your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a

pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your

travels home. I mean lets be honest, you would have to be a Daily Mail

reader to think the s**t we say is actually our opinions. Just jokes,

folks!